The opposite of love is not hate, it’s comfort.

Being born and raised in a different country, bah – in a different regime, I have an altered view on the West. So, even though being different is my superpower, it often feels like a downfall. I often feel like a spoilsport pointing out the blind spots of the societal structures that are clearly struggling but are too entitled to have a hard look in the mirror.

This post sprung to life after listening to Jupiter Baal (a public speaker on history and geopolitics) talking on Instagram about a new article by The Statement called: Meet the Angry Young Women. As always, I go straight to the comments and, as always, they don’t disappoint.

Basically, the discussion evolves around the type of women who would compromise their values and choose to stay with a partner who has a completely opposite view on life / politics / moral ethics.

Apparently 4/10 women would not challenge these values and, like a good girl, people pleasing eunuchs, continue being with the man.

The uproar in the comments was real, like: who are these women?

But are we really surprised?

It’s nothing new! And it doesn’t only apply to women.

One of my old-time friends from Iran could never get over the fact that her fellow Iranian women, on arriving to the UK, despite not being religious, would choose to obey their husbands and fully cover their body and face. But, on reflection, she’d quipped: ‘I’m not surprised, it’s easier’.

It’s easier to trot behind a man than try to live on your own.

I know of a woman who on the back of an aggressive cancer had a double mastectomy, hysterectomy (and an induced early menopause in her mid-thirties). She’d rather spend her weekends hiking and eating a light vegetarian diet but chooses to stay with a man who dislikes nature and instead loves having BBQs every possible weekend where carcinogenic meat, alcohol and often cigs, are a must.

I don’t know, is this some kind of Stockholm Syndrome? Or have we become too comfortable?

Because, if we zoom out and look at the Western society, we see the same pattern everywhere. It’s too easy. I promise you. I grew up in a system where basic humanitarian laws were not in place, where you could go to Siberia because your neighbours snitched on you. Where voting was rigged and bribery was the norm.

I come to the West, the shelves in shops are full and everyone is unhappy.

Empty shelves. They might find you something from under the counter... but only if you're a good customer.

We didn’t have much but we had moral values. I sometimes wonder if you can only uphold your moral values if you’re rich but now I have the answer to this. No. In fact, looking at the rich people in our society, they are the most morally corrupt of us all!

Because maybe in the capitalist society, where the only thing that matters is ‘more’, we can discard any values. Who needs compassion if we have money. Who needs love if we have endless consumerism. Trinkets. Distractions.

But I’m digressing. The opposite of love is not hate, it’s comfort. I often speak to people who truly believe themselves to be compassionate and full of love but when it comes to choosing not to consume animals, their love becomes selective. Because they’re too comfortable to change anything in their life: God forbid they learn how to cook vegetables and ‘suffer’ for a short period of time while their gut flora and taste buds change.

They’re too comfortable to act on their morals.

And it’s perhaps even better not to have morals at all or, perish the thought, be reminded of them because in the West we only talk about nice surface-level topics. Nothing too heavy, nothing too deep. Small talk is always nice, innit?

Can’t help my sarcasm but it looks like cognitive dissonance is a way better choice, especially that it’s so heavily promoted by the neoliberal ideology that fuels individualism and self-interest.

We glorify this idea of ‘self-care’ but in fact it’s a misplaced passive-aggressive rage for the lack of social welfare and the isolation driven by the constant need for competition and climbing the imaginary ladder. This leads to a lack of trust and community connections. Which then perpetuate the creed of ‘each to their own’. We’ve become not only selfish but also isolated and terribly lonely.

Illustration: Carmina Videna; Weaponising self-care is yet another tool of American individualism

But because it’s not that difficult to just get by (I’m telling you, capitalism makes you complacent, I dare you to live in communism, please don’t come back crying), we’re too comfortable (and too polite aka ‘people pleasing’) to do anything about it. Now, combine that with the constant drive of the technology and how numb / distracted / anxious & dump it makes us, and we have a recipe for staying with the status quo.

There is a book by Hannah Arendt with a title: ‘The Banality of Evil’. And maybe our lack of love and compassion to one another in the current system is equally as banal.

We’re too comfortable to care.