Reflections on turning 48.

 8 lessons from my heart to yours.

It would be foolish of me to think that I can ‘teach’ anything to anyone. All I can do is to lead by example.

And therefore, my mission is to show that you not only can do weightlifting as an older woman, but you can do that with joy, compassion & kindness to all living beings.

That you can overcome injuries and mental health struggles, mind you – it’s not going to be easy. That sometimes every day feels like a ground-hog day. That every day you remind yourself why you are here, and you choose. And in that choice, you abandon powerlessness and victimhood of the cards that you’ve been given. And you have the courage (from the French word: cœur meaning heart) to shine your light even in the darkest times & places.

And that you’re here to live, fully. And not to succumb to the lower vibrations of the insecure ego. That you have nothing to prove but everything to share. Like a beam of light that doesn’t select its subjects. It gives freely and uplifts everyone it encounters. That the most powerful engine we have is our heart.

But we must face the truth and choose. Every single day. To be a candle or the night.

And nobody can teach you how to. Because your heart already knows.

And my heart knows these things:

1.           Live your life. Don’t waste time for things to get better. There is always something going on that is difficult or scary or frustrating. Don’t say: I’ll start feeling happy only once I… [fill appropriate].

Example: 5 years ago, we were moving to a new place. The process was so stressful, I couldn’t get my head out of my ass, literally. I basically put my life on hold for six months inadvertently losing six months of my life. Impatience lies on the lower levels of consciousness. It’s also an expression of our smallness (our little ego). If we have self-esteem, we know things will come to us in due course. And if not, they were not meant to be. Acceptance is one of the hardest things to achieve but ultimately, it’s the only way how we can feel free. And no, accepting life as it comes is not the lack of ambition, it’s just that we don’t waste our life, our mood, our mental health on stressing about it. We accept that most things are beyond our control. Acceptance is almost like the opposite of hope. If there is hope / constant wish for something ‘better’, there is clinginess, there is fear of not getting it.

2.           This leads me to my next point: lead with your heart.

I think it’s very challenging to do this in our noisy word and even harder when you are young. As when we are in our 20s and 30s, we are exploring.

Do I regret saying yes to way-too-many-things back then? Absolutely not. Your energy levels are such, you’ll be forgiven. However, as we get older (and I mean: more mature!), you suddenly are going to need to prune a little.

Hopefully you did enough things to learn a thing or two about yourself to know who you are. And hopefully you did enough work on yourself (inner work / growing up / spiritual work / therapy / whatever works for you) to overcome your traumas, your coping mechanism or at least you have the tools to steer the ship back on course. I cannot imagine being at this age and still having an eating disorder. A great coping mechanism but boy, it was killing me. It was stealing the joy to be alive. Do the work. Study yourself. Then lead with your heart.

3.           Surround yourself with people who are different from you. Surround yourself with elders, with role models.

You cannot learn from your peers. You cannot grow listening to your echo chamber. Don’t look for status in people, look for standards.

When I think about my life, I was always the youngest in any group. I didn’t wait for my peers to come with me. I loved techno music but none of my friends wanted to go to a techno club, so I started to go on my own. I went to England on my own.

Maybe it’s my Aries nature that makes me a natural leader (meaning I go first) to the point that I don’t care if people follow me. I follow my nose.

And my nose was always telling me to find the most intelligent person in the room and ask for advice. And that leads me to the next point.

4.           Ask for help. Seek mentorship. Seek guidance.

I don’t understand this weird concept of women in the West: ‘I will be an independent woman, I’ll never ask for help’ – what kind of BS is that? Then why do you whinge passive aggressively about how much there is on your plate? Funny that.

There is no prize for being an ‘independent woman’, no matter how loud Destiny’s Child sings about it.

The strength lies in community and mentorship. And in the ability to be humble enough to ask for help. And to learn from those who walked the path before us.

In Norse mythology, a ​Valkyrie is a divine spirit who selects the bravest warriors slain in battle and brings them to ​Valhalla.

The next two points will sound contradictory. But they’re not.

5.           The old Puritan notion of working hard must go.

Especially that most of the things we choose to do are not things that we care for or love but things that we think we want. But we really don’t. It’s the idea (of wanting to be / to do / to have this or that) that seems appealing.

More often than not we’re being brainwashed by the (belief) system. For example: ‘we all should have children’ or that ‘we should all WANT children’. If it’s repeated often enough, how do you know if it’s your idea or it’s just something that has been ingrained into you like an implant? How do you know the difference?

And there is another layer. What is it that I really want vs. what is it that my little ego wants?

If we pursue the things that we don’t want, the pursuit will be a hardship. Just think about it. It’s a fight between your self-worth / your Higher Self and the needs of your ego.

And so, if we pursue the things that deep down inside, we don’t really want, we won’t put all the effort to get them. We just want to be seen that we are working hard (because we are brainwashed into wanting these things) but we’ll sabotage the process.

And then we can use it to play the victim of how hard we work and how difficult life is. But life is not meant to be difficult. If you are coming from the space of your heart, yes – things can be strenuous, but they are not ‘hard’.

Example: my Olympic Weightlifting is not hard, it’s fatiguing. I don’t really like ‘exercising’ per se. But because I love weightlifting so much, I found the way to love front squats and pull-ups as they feed into my big goal. If joy is not the primary motive for most things that you do, your life will be hard.

P.S., joy is not pleasure or excitement or entertainment.

6.           You will need to put the work in.

I see countless people in their 20s or early 30s who look up to older people with jealousy. All I want to say is: Baby, you have another good 20 years of work in front of you. You probably will have to work your ass off. Stop looking at some fake Instagram influencers and think that you can become rich overnight. And that there will be some work life balance (at least in the beginning). Unless you have the Bank of Mama and Dada, you will need to put the work in. Look at Madonna – she’s famous for her work ethic, not necessarily for her talent.

So instead of being jealous and petty, find a role model, learn from the elders, find a good teacher.

That again loops me back to point number 4. You won’t believe the looks I get on most people’s faces when I ask: who is your teacher? I guess that’s the age of capitalism / consumerism / individualism that sold that idea that we can do it on our own. Older people (elders) are being looked down on. Ageing is a sin. People prefer to be liked than respected. Well, I think that’s BS.

7.           Stop obsessing about small goals. Always have the big picture in mind. Always follow your true North.

And to do that you will need to know who you are. What talents you have. What brings you genuine joy that doesn’t need approval of others. Something that perhaps you’d still do without needing to post it on Instagram…

The small goals are often just stepping stones. Sometimes you will need to dedicate a year or two to something that doesn’t necessarily seem to be directly taking you towards your goal. But it is.

Example: sometimes I wonder, if all the things that I did were somehow unnecessary. Were all the courses and skills I’ve learned just a waste of my life?

No, each one of these were building the person that I am today. Sometimes trying things to be certain that this is not for you is just as useful. Sometimes you have to make a mistake, otherwise the itch would never go away, and you’d spend the rest of your life wondering: what if. Therefore, acceptance again comes to mind.

If you do things through the prism of your heart, there is nothing that ever is a mistake. It is a lesson. The Universe is auto-correcting you. Be grateful. Learn from this. Accept. Move on.

And my final point is:

8.           Forgive forgive forgive.

I wasted 20 years of my life being angry with my Mother. Now, facing similar challenges – I realise how hard life can be and when we’re young and you look at your parents – you’re too immature to understand this. I think we all expect too much from other people, especially from our parents. They don’t always know what they are doing. (Do you?)

So, grow up and stop blaming, stop playing the victim. Forgive and move on.

If my Mum wasn’t the way she was, I wouldn’t be the person that I am today. The rest (overcoming my coping mechanisms etc.) is on me. My Mum is gone and it’s up to me to choose if I want to be bitter about the past or to live my life. I chose the latter.

So, live your life. Find mentors. Accept and forgive. Then share your knowledge. With humility, not pride. Remember, you cannot teach or change anyone. You can only lead by example.

With love.

Karolina x