The real reason why you cannot lose weight

You see, I could give a lecture on insulin resistance, decrease in muscle mass, unfavourable changes to gut microbiome, lack of sleep and disrupted circadian rhythm and how it affects your hunger cues… Yes, these are some of the tools that might drive weight gain. And for sure these (and more) are all valid arguments (or tools) to discuss.

But none of this is going to make any difference if you don’t like yourself.

I can see you rolling your eyes. ‘Please don’t come to me with this spiritual crap.’

Okay, fine. Let’s talk about fashion photography. I mostly shot with professional models but occasionally I’d have a portrait photography for private clients. No matter how beautiful the clothes were, how great a job the make-up artist did, or how amazing the lighting was – a lot of women didn’t like what they saw.

And it was always down to intention.

The professional models’ intention was to earn some money. They often wouldn’t even ask to see the back of my camera, which I must admit, was refreshing.

However, the intention for most of the private clients was usually to shoot images ‘for my boyfriend’.

The following self-dislike during the photo-shoot would see no end. It’ was painful to watch. And it was truly hard to work with these women. Come to think of it, if you come across anyone who has a deep dislike for themselves, they will most likely be challenging to deal with as their insecurities will be projected on to you.

Now, the small portion of women who did like themselves - what a great joy it was to work with them. It was exciting, it was light-hearted. Girls having a dress-up fun. And guess what, the images would always reflect that too.

Photographing Natalia back in 2012

So, what has this to do with weight loss? And most of all, with spirituality?

Sankalpa is a sanskrit term that we often refer to when studying yoga. It means intention. I often ask this question to my students at the beginning of a class: ‘Why are you here? What is your intention?’

I often get puzzled looks: Isn’t it obvious? To practice yoga.

But let’s go deeper: practice yoga for what?

I’ve had people coming to class because they want to shrink their thighs so that they could impress their partner or find a partner or perhaps dislike themselves a little bit less.

You see, when we talk about intention, we need to go deeper. No, not the superficial idea that sits on the surface. The conscious drive that forced your hand to press the ‘book’ button. We need to dive deeper to see what’s lurking in the subconscious.

These days I constantly ask myself: ‘But why am I doing it, REALLY.’

Am I doing it yet again to impress someone? Most probably someone who I don’t care about, bah – I probably don’t even like?  (But they remind me of something that I lack so… there you go.)

You see, everything that we do has two sides. We can exercise because movement gives us joy or we can exercise because we dislike how we look and therefore it’s a form of punishment, energy expenditure control.

The more I ask myself this question, the more I realise that deep down there is often an ulterior motive. That it is yet again to achieve something, gain something, impress someone. It is never really about me.

In fact, when I started doing the ‘inner work’ I had a huge identity crisis because I realised that I didn’t know myself. At all. I’ve spent most of my life doing things to gain approval from others.

And once I striped this bare, I realised that I never truly did anything for me. I didn’t even know ME.

I didn’t know what books I liked to read because I mostly read books that everyone else was reading (so that I could be part of the conversation).

The more I inspected my motives, the more I realised that I didn’t know who I was, but worse, I didn’t even know what I liked. I lived for most of my life choosing a second-hand fake happiness.

Everyone has their poison. For me it is the lack of self-worth. So, to chase self-worth I needed to see this worth (my worth) in other peoples’ eyes. That’s the second-hand self-worth. One minute dopamine hit. Two minutes later you are already plotting where you’re gonna get your next shot.

These days I try to do things that are aligned with my heart. I dig deeper.

Why am I really doing this? What is my mind subconsciously plotting? Is this my self-doubt talking again, or can I live my life from the space of self-worth?

When I say to myself: “I am at peace with myself”, the motive comes from the depth of my soul, not from the overthinking self-doubting mind.

And this is why I was able to tidy up my life, be it my eating disorder or the constant struggle with yo-yo dieting.

Because I started to do it for me.

I started to like myself enough to make time to prep food, to teach myself to eat unspeakable cruciferous vegetables, to make time to go to the gym and have fun.

Not because I needed medals or accomplishments to post on social media but because I wanted that peace of mind that comes from feeding my soul and not the expectations / approval of other people.

If you love yourself, you might not need to buy this coat or that jacket because you could parade in a bin bag and still feel good about yourself. It will also mean that you won’t need to take the additional project to pay for this coat.

And you will not do things that deep down you don’t like but it would be nice to be liked by those who always ask you to, but you don’t feel self-worth to say no.

If you love yourself, you will find the strength to set boundaries, and probably piss off those who you used to try to impress.

When you stop giving power to other people's opinions, their moods, their expectations of you, and you take that power back and say: well let me focus on what I think about myself, let me focus on what my values are and what my intention is and let me act in a way that is aligned with that as best as I can - a funny thing happens: all the other stuff takes care of itself. 

If you love yourself, you don't think that much of what other people think of you. You look at the world through the lens of your loving heart. Your path becomes clear because you keep asking yourself why. You know your intentions and your values.

If you love yourself, you stop sabotaging yourself, punishing yourself, numbing yourself. Food, food prep or exercise is no longer a gruelling tool, it’s an extension of joy.

Oh, and what a joy it is to fully be alive.

When you know your why.